Much Love, Me

Good Enough

Wed, 27 Feb 2013 11:54:32 -0500

Dear God,

I don’t think I’m good enough for anything.

I am not good enough for anything.

Much love,

Zaakirah

Falling Bricks

Sat, 16 Feb 2013 22:04:11 -0500

Dear God,

I think I’m going to tell him.

I want him to stop feeling this way, and maybe I want to feel better. I don’t like feeling this way either.

Give me strength.

Much love,

Zaakirah.

Independent

Sun, 10 Feb 2013 17:27:05 -0500

Dear God,

I’m sorry. I couldn’t do what they asked me to. I can’t.

I’m supposed to be independent. I can’t do that if my walls come down.
I depend on no one but You because I’ll be the only one left at some point. Just like he said.

Much love,
Zaakirah.

A Mask

Fri, 08 Feb 2013 22:46:04 -0500

Dear God,

I can open up to no one. Everyone has a rise in their own problems or my problems hurt them. The person I thought I could help tells me I shouldn’t just talk to him. He shouldn’t be my only vent, because then I get dependant.

Okay. Then I’ll open up to no one. No one will really know but You. I’ll be dependant on no one. I have an off day, I bounce back. They say I’ll be fine and I will look it. Nothing says they need to know the truth. Nothing says I actually need to be unbroken, or more broken than I’ll ever be. If they care, they’ll find a way to rip the walls. They know me so well, they’ll find a way. I wish them luck though.

The good me is under lock and key. She could become just a mask if they’re not careful.

Much love,
Zaakirah

Atlas

Sun, 03 Feb 2013 09:57:52 -0500

Dear God,

If there’s one thing that I’ve learned from the trials of my life it’s that shouldering all your own pain is one of the most difficult things to do, but it is better than making others share it. Who will be left in the end but me, Allah? Only You and I should really know. It’s better for everyone else this way.

Much love,
Zaakirah

Walls

Thu, 31 Jan 2013 19:02:21 -0500

Dear God,

I’m shutting myself in now. I will place myself back to where I was and in pretending to be happy, I will become happy.

But I’m also shutting myself in to see who will save me, who will attempt to save me.

I don’t think anyone will though, Allah. They’ve all tried, and I think at some point they’ll stop trying. They’ll stop because they’ll know that I’m the only one who can save myself.

God, if I am meant to be saved, by my family or by my friends or by my love, we will see that I will. I’m not going to try to talk with them much more. I will act happy because I should act happy in the world I have.

If I am meant to save myself, then maybe this is it.

Regardless, whomever is to save me, please give me the strength to be saved.

Much love,

Zaakirah

Adolescent Pain

Thu, 24 Jan 2013 21:50:52 -0500

Dear God,

I believe that adolescence is often the most awful time of someone’s life because they suddenly are forced to realize that life isn’t always easy. It’s a simple thing to say and most people know it’s not, but experiencing it is another thing. You realize that the world is harsh, made to press you into a diamond, and so many cry, wail, or scream in the pain. Some can’t take it and try to end the pain themselves with love or sex or alcohol or drugs or self-harm, or even suicide. It’s no wonder so many teens are so depressed.

I can’t take the pressure. Not well. The process of diamond making is supposed to be a process with a positive outcome but Allah, I wonder if it’s worth the pain for one small gem. There are gems I can find in my life that don’t require me to be crushed almost to death, things that are more valuable to me than diamonds.

Am I weak for not being able, or not wanting to, take the pressures of life that You have so graciously given us, or am I right to hurt and cry and wail and suffer in such a world?

I guess that’s for You to decide.

Much love,
Zaakirah

Punishment

Mon, 21 Jan 2013 20:07:14 -0500

Dear God,

Strike me down and make me pay.

Unless this is my punishment. Then strike harder.

Much love,

Zaakirah

Cold

Wed, 16 Jan 2013 20:45:30 -0500

Dear God,

I’m so sick of being cold, inside and out.

I’m at the end of my rope in so many ways and yet far from the drop in others.

I hate it.

Much love,

Zaakirah

Stop

Mon, 14 Jan 2013 19:26:13 -0500

Dear God,

I hate feeling like this. I know I could just say “Stop feeling like that,” but…

I don’t want to stop.

I always want things to be easy.

I want my life to be love and music and snow and summer and laughter more than hate and silence and mud and icy cold and tears.

I hate myself because of my self-pity.

I want it all to stop.

Is it a sin to want it all to stop?

Much love,

Zaakirah.

Being Here

Mon, 31 Dec 2012 19:20:25 -0500

Dear God,

I am a good person for letting him hang out with his friends instead of insisting he comes here?

Or am I a worse person because I’m upset he’s not?

Much love,

Zaakirah

Independence

Fri, 28 Dec 2012 22:28:21 -0500

Dear God,

What’s wrong with me?

I can’t do anything by myself.

Maybe Ellen’s right, Allah.

I’ll probably spend the rest of my life relying on other people to help me. And I know that the best thing to do is to learn how not to, but how can I do that without using the people I’ve always relied on?

I might be good at school, but I’m pretty sure it’s the only bloody thing I’m good at that’ll do me any good. The real world isn’t for me.

Much love,

Zaakirah

Selfish

Mon, 24 Dec 2012 23:28:12 -0500

Dear God,

I’m terrible for feeling lonely - no. I’m terrible not for feeling lonely, but for believing I have a right to hurt.

Has the Devil caught me? Or is this just inflicted on myself wholly?

I like to cry, I like to feel hurt. I like to hurt my own self-esteem. They’re a type of self-medication. They bring out the hurt, give me a way to funnel it.

I’m sorry for any wrong I’ve done.

I guess I just want to be happy, and maybe I really am a selfish little girl who only cares about attention from her boyfriend. Only You know.

And You’ll decide.

Much love,

Zaakirah

Gratitude

Wed, 14 Nov 2012 18:31:34 -0500

Dear God,

I don’t know how you thought me worthy of someone so beautiful to love me, but I thank you graciously anyway.

Much love,

Zaakirah

Burden

Mon, 05 Nov 2012 21:57:00 -0500

Dear God,

It’s happening again. I’m pushing down my worries because I can’t burden others, and then I feel worse.

All my work is scaring me and pushing down on me.

Please help me get through this.

Much love,

Zaakirah

Pressure

Sat, 13 Oct 2012 12:10:55 -0400

Dear God,

Why is it that there’s so much pressure for me to choose something that I love?

I don’t get it. It’s just another year of high school. I know universities will be looking at my marks, but that doesn’t mean that I need to change my work habits because my work habits are fine. In fact, the pressure is making my work habits worse.

This is all just for me to choose something I love? I have pressure on me to make sure I’m happy?

Wow that’s effed up.

God, that makes no sense.

Humans don’t make sense.

Much love,

Zaakirah

Please

Fri, 14 Sep 2012 14:25:00 -0400

Dear God,

Please, please don’t tear this beautiful boy away from me. Please help us get through this and please let him be okay.

Much love, Zaakirah

Wonderful

Sun, 09 Sep 2012 15:56:13 -0400

Dear God,

It was a tough year, and this year might be tougher still, but at least I now have him to help me through it too.

Thank you.

He’s wonderful.

Much love,

Zaakirah

Will

Sun, 03 Jun 2012 18:48:00 -0400

Dear God,

I’ve lost my will to live.

I don’t know what to do.

There’s no where to hide except into the arms of death. I’m too scared of it.

I’m too caring to go that far. I love my family more than my selfish need for escape and need for life.

God, please help me.

Much love,

Zaakirah

Existence

Sat, 26 May 2012 22:56:39 -0400

Dear God,

Do I have a reason for living?

Do I have a purpose for my existence?

Do I move people by being who I am?

All I know is that You would have struck me down if I had no reason to live - that I had done everything that I needed for this life and my test was complete.

There’s still more pages to go. The questions seem to be getting emptier and emptier though. I just pray that I have some amazing questions and results.

Much love,

Zaakirah